A Day at the Park

The whole fam hit the new J. M. Kleiner Park today (the one off Eagle and Fairview) -- it was the second time for myself and Addie.  Today we went to celebrate Miss Madi's birthday (my good friend Amy's daughter).  I took the opportunity to get some new pics of the kids (I've been terrible about charging the batteries in my camera, taking it with me, and actually using it).

I'm also learning my new Mac Mini.  These pics were edited in iPhoto.  I'd love to get super fancy, but I just don't know what I'm doing!  So I've just mucked around with the adjustments and maybe added some fancy edges.  I also put them all into a collage app I found (free, of course), just to mess around.  Here are a couple creations.

Hayden loves drinking fountains.  And I love that the ones at this park are actually at toddler level.

Can you believe I actually got both of them to sit still and look at me (well, Hayden is kind of looking). :)

I love the fact that in every picture you can see Hayden's disheveled hair, a face and legs covered in bruises and food (and who knows what else), Addie's face covered in food, Addie's underwear, mismatched clothes... but they just wouldn't be my kids if they were clean and properly dressed. ;)

Overall though, I think they're pretty darned cute!

Student Mother = Insanity

Going to school with little kids is SO hard!  Ack!

In a household with young kids, you can't ever find anything.  A pen?  Never.  Maybe a broken crayon.  Clean paper, that hasn't been colored on, painted on, crumpled up, or covered in who-knows-what?  Nice try.  Your school books?  Better just hope you eventually find them in one piece (especially when 1 is a library book).  Let's say by some miracle that you do find all of the above.  It might last 2 minutes.  Until they see it.  Then the grabbing and whining starts.  So just as you're finally sitting down to attempt some productivity, you are forced to find 2 more of everything -- 2 more writing utensils, 2 more notebooks (will a piece of paper suffice?  Ha!), and 2 more books (that you better not care about, because chances are they're getting the same treatment as the paper described above).  So you somehow magically find it all -- 3 of everything.  You settle in and peace may briefly tease you.  Until they begin fighting over all of the writing utensils, notebooks, and books.  When you do get a few minutes to read (and you better be darn good at reading with the TV on, two loud children, barking dogs, the dryer, obnoxious toys, etc.) and begin taking some notes, you will suddenly be needed again. For whatever.  Food.  Water.  Diaper change.  A booger.  A question.  Something out of reach.  Entertainment.  An expedition.  And then you think hey, maybe getting them out of the house to say, the park, might buy you some time to actually read.  You load up your stuff and head out, only to get there and remember that you can't take your eyes off them for 2 seconds.  You lose your place repeatedly as either you throw the book as you run to rescue a kid that's about to fall face first off the playground equipment, or your book gets yanked and thrown by said kid.  You call it quits after reading the same paragraph 6 times and realize you still don't know what it said.  You finally convince them to head back home, where you settle in again.  And notice that your newly written notes are becoming victim to the paper-destructors you, yourself, have created.  After all of this effort, you realize you've read about 2 pages.  And comprehend none of it, because the longest stint of actual reading you've been able to do has probably maxed at 2 minutes.  Sure, you can lock yourself in a room away from the kids.  They will find you.  Oh, they'll find you and they'll get to you.  They'll knock, they'll yell, they'll stick things under the door.  They'll do everything they can to get you to open it.  And then you become their victim again.  Sit at the computer?  They'll climb on your lap.  They'll steal the mouse.  They'll sit in from of the monitor.  They'll bang on the keyboard as you attempt to eloquently write whatever remotely sensible thing you can make up with your sleep-deprived brain, within this chaos with the little you've read.  Then you'll go to class and attempt to hide when questions are asked about all those chapters you didn't read, pipe in when the 2 pages you did read are finally applicable (and pray you don't sound completely insane), and smile when your classmate says "You look tired."

The notes I just began a couple hours ago are already written on, crumpled, torn, and smeared with mandarin orange syrup.  But alas, since I began reading at 5:30pm when I got home and enjoyed a short time with a sleeping child and an unpresent child (Hayden and Loren weren't home yet) and continued through all the happenings until now, 8:30pm, I have conquered 25 whole pages.  Now, to just finish over 200 more, attend 4 more classes, conduct 2 interviews, revise a paper, and write 2 new papers...

This is my shout out to any mother who has or is attending school.  And yes, I'm focusing on mothers because in the 3 hours that I've attempted to read, my kids have been attached to me like cling-ons even though Loren has been home the entire time.  No matter what I do, no matter how evidently boring it is, it always trumps dad.  So sorry student dads, I'm not giving as much sympathy (although I'll still give you a shout out -- I'll really give a shout out to any student). ;)

Psst. It's OK to Be a Mom with a Smartphone.

Ok, I've had several mom friends sharing this blog:   http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/05/07/how-to-miss-a-childhood/.  I've also heard conversations about how we're too plugged in and that you can't possibly get away from work if you're constantly connected.  Well I'm coming in to defend the smartphone as a mom.  I can't imagine life without it -- I'm addicted to technology and I'm not afraid to say it!

Let me pre-empt this with why I think this posting rubbed me the wrong way (well, part of it).  It's not that I think it's wrong -- but we'll get to that later.  I had an insecure mom day the other day.  Am I the only one that gets those?  I took Addie to a birthday party for a schoolmate -- to basically my dream house, where we were welcomed by the butterfly themed party with decorations, costumes for each girl (wings, wand, necklace, and net), fancy themed food, planned activities, and way better toys to play with.  Now it's not that I think material things make a good mom -- but there's something to throwing a great party and having a beautiful house that seems to speak of you has a "housewife".  But that's really not what bugged me -- maybe just started it.  No, it was Addie backtalking me.  And again, not just here, but it had been a few instances.  Happened again the other night at a neighbor's.  She's 3 (almost 4).  I can't believe she argues with me already!  And I have yet to figure out how to handle it well in public.  Then she was rude to another little girl there.  And I wonder, how did I raise such a rude kid?  Do I talk to her inappropriately?  Do I not discipline her enough?  Now, she's not that way all the time (really, it's rare -- especially to talk to another kid that way -- it just seems to be a bit more frequent lately).  Maybe I just haven't been around kids enough to know if it's more than the next.  But anything she does that is "wrong" (believe me, I use that term lightly) instantly triggers me blaming myself.  She was also the most "clingy" -- do I coddle her too much? I realize that I have never been so insecure about anything as I am about being a parent.  Why is that?  Maybe it's because every parenting style is as different as the child.  Or maybe because it's the most important job I've ever had.  That triggers self-doubt at just about every waking minute.  Now add blogs like these to just push those guilt buttons a bit more, because we don't do it to ourselves enough.

So, as a working mom going to school, I love my smartphone!  Yes, I have a career.  Yes, I have children.  Yes, I'm finishing my degree.  No, I don't need to give up any of those to do one better.  Yes, my life is crazy, I'm constantly stressed, and I don't spend every waking minute with my children.  But I love them all, and life is all about experiences.  And my smartphone lets me do all of the above.  I regularly take days off work to be with the kids -- with my phone in hand to keep tabs on email and any work issues.  I keep a task list and regularly take notes on my phone.  I capture wonderful moments with my camera and can share these moments with friends and family in an instant.  I can stay current on what is happening in my friends' and family's lives when I don't have time to visit or call.  I love texting so that I don't have to be distracted on someone else's schedule.  I do take advantage of checking my phone in the morning, when my house is quiet and free of distractions.  Now, I will say some of the examples in the above blog are a bit extreme -- I don't ignore my kids to play games, spend my time at the zoo on my phone, scoff at a request to push them on a swing, or pass off a chance to say hello or goodbye.  If you're going to be a distracted mom -- guess what, you'll do it with or without a phone.  Our generation isn't the first to ignore our children. You think "uh-huh" started with cell phones?  I also have to address the driving one (talking on the phone in the car) -- at least for little kids like mine.  One, Hayden can't hold a conversation.  Yes, I can talk to him, but let's face it, that gets old pretty quick (when you can't look at him and use hands).  And if you've ever had to understand a toddler, it's a bit challenging to do while driving when you can't look at her directly.  So yes, I sometimes use drive time to call people because guess what, it's one of a few times that my kids are usually quiet.  I could, instead, call them when I get home and then force a conversation over screams and the incessant "Mom!  Mom!  Mom!"  Again, another reason I love texting.  Now, the final point of the above blog is good -- "How to Grasp a Childhood" -- this I'm down with!  All of the above.  And yes, it does take putting the phone down every now and then -- but it can also take the freedom smartphones give you to be mobile and available to your children at times that might otherwise be unavailable.

Sorry, that was my soapbox for the day.  So to my fellow connected moms, it's ok.  Make a call even when you're with the kids.  Take a second to check your email or Facebook.  Occasional adult conversation is allowed.  ;)

I'm back baby!

Oh blog, I write to you everyday in my head, but it just never seems to make it to my fingers.  I have so much to update...  I'm going to start selfishly with myself.  A few weeks ago I had a bit of breakdown at work.  It was just one of those highly emotional days, which I really hate having at work.  First, a bit of history.  The promotional ranks at a university start at Lecturer, then Assistant Professor, on to Associate Professor, and finally Full Professor.  Promotion is based on performance in teaching, research, and service.  I started as an Assistant Professor in 2008, which means I'm eligible to go up for Associate Professor.  I was actually eligible to go up last year, but decided to wait another year to try to build up my portfolio a bit more.  A couple months ago I was told that I may no longer be eligible because I don't yet have my doctoral degree.  When I first heard this, it didn't bother me much as I will have my doctorate in a couple years.  But something set me off that day when I was again told that I might not be eligible.  I was just devastated.  But I wasn't really sure why.  Part of it was just burnout, I think.  I had this false impression that having the kids in daycare full time would open up so much more time for me.  But I feel more overwhelmed than ever.  Mornings are now filled with not only getting myself ready, but getting both kids (I selfishly claim that when Loren often does more of the work) ready and out the door in a timely manner.  Work time is repeatedly overtaken by errands (more on that later -- I'll admit that these are self-inflicted), attempting to work on my classes (done now!), and all-too-often, sick kids.  I'm rarely home before 5:30pm and the evening is consumed with dinner, attempting to tidy up a bit (how does a house get so dirty when we're not even here?), getting ready for the next day, and attempting to find some relaxation time while feeling guilty about every second not doing what the kids want since I haven't seen them all day (and Addie is currently obsessed with riding her bike, which continues to turn into a battle concerning going to neighbor's houses and/or attempting to keep Hayden out of trouble while keeping her from traumatizing herself).  Weekends are filled with get-togethers, more errands, and the never-ending cleaning and homework catch-up.  So yes, burnout was part of it.  But a few days later I was overwhelmed by a feeling of peddling and peddling with no end in sight (or swimming/drowning or any other metaphor you'd like to insert).

• 1.  I've been working towards this promotion since 2007, to find out it may be suspended another 2+ years.  
• 2.  I jumped at the opportunity to attend ICD-10-CM/PCS training in 2009, only to find no one else interested (well some are, but not enough to warrant and sustain all the effort I've put in for training) and then have the deadline pushed back another year (to 2014).   In the meantime, mind you, I have to pay $200/year to keep my training status with AHIMA, which seems unfair since I'll be paying it for 6+ years.
• 3.  I worked on my PhD at U of I for 2 years only to have them withdraw the fee waiver, causing me to switch gears to pursue my EdD at BSU (where I'd be done with classes had I started 2 years ago).  

So my efforts for the last 5 years were feeling a bit futile.  But, enough of my boobing.  I think sometimes we just get in funks.  (let me also note that I acknowledge the hard work I have put in the last 5 years and know that not everything has been a waste -- heck, I accomplished the 2 best things I have and will ever achieve -- 2 beautiful babies!)  But I've had a fabulous week!  :)  I finished my stats class last week and found out Tuesday that I aced my final (44/44)!  Yesterday I took the final for my Learning and Cognition class, only to find out at the last second that we could use our notes (score!) and leaving class with a complimentary conversation with the instructor.  Upon submitting it (and thus ending my semester), I found an email from the Dean telling me that I am indeed still eligible to go up for promotion (woot!).  Then, after I got home I found a letter from BSU telling  me that I've been accepted into the EdD program in Curriculum and Instruction (double woot!).  :)  So after a couple weeks of being a bit withdrawn and bitter at work, I think I'm back baby!  Loren is always reminding me when I get upset about things that "it will all work out".  Why don't I listen more?  :)  Anywho, I want to end on a positive note.  I love my job, I had some personal growth experiences with peers, I felt supported by coworkers, and I'm so proud of my students that stuck out the year with us and are GRADUATING in a week!  I'm thankful for so many wonderful opportunities I've been given with my work and all the amazing people I've met.  Even with all the political junk that goes on, I never forget that I get to help people change their lives and that's why I can't imagine doing anything else.  I am a true nerd at heart and again, although I was devastated at the news about the fee waiver at U of I, I am so much happier with the BSU program.  It's home to me, I love the faculty, and I feel like my passion has again been sparked, inspiring me to try new things in the classroom and remember that there is so much more to education than the tests and grades at the end.  Oh, and have I mentioned I have the two cutest kids in the world to enjoy when I'm not at work or school?  :P  So I'm going to blissfully ignore the insane summer schedule I have coming up (oh, just teaching 3 classes, taking possibly 4 classes, offering a study group, finishing at least 2 manuscripts, attending a week-long convention, and attempting to create 2 brand new courses for the Fall...) and enjoy a weekend of taking 18 4-5yo's to the zoo, seeing our new kitten (more later), celebrating my hairy baby's (Lucas) 9th birthday, and hitting a graduation party and birthday party.  Happy weekend friends.  :)

Besties 2.0

I'm still playing catch-up with old photos (hadn't unloaded the camera in about 6 months!) and ran across this adorable batch.  It's my girl with her bestie, Miss Kyndell Paige.  This was for Kyndell's 3rd birthday back in September -- we celebrated at the zoo and then delicious food and of course presents at the park afterwards.

Are they just adorable!?!

They held hands most of the day.

My only shot of all the (little) girls.

Addie's kind of a zoo regular, so she was showing Kyndell the ropes.

The sweet birthday girl.

Addie snagging a gift (I think she played with them all, and may have opened a few...).

It was a baby doll that pees -- the girls were quite fascinated.

Anywho, just a quick pic blog.  Love that our babies are besties too.  ;)  Just a bit terrified of them as teenagers (oy!)...

Miss Mom Guilt

Oh the mom guilt.  Anyone who is a mother knows exactly what I'm talking about.  And, I'm sorry, but those of you who are not mothers, just don't know.  This is one I'll have to exclude you from.  I'm not even quite sure I can include dads in this.  I've been wanting to write a blog on this for awhile, but that darn guilt keeps preventing me from taking the time to do it -- but man it is THICK this week!  I've seriously never felt as guilty as I do now that I'm a mom.  And it's constant!  I actually wasn't sure what it was at first.  For a couple years.  I just always had this guilty feeling, but assumed it was no different than anyone else's.  Then one day my mom nailed it -- she mentioned "mom guilt".  After having kids -- wait, not even after -- as soon as we started even trying, the guilt begins.

You feel guilty you're not doing everything exactly right for the baby.  Every deliciously sugar-y or fatty food brings a pang of guilt that it's not nutritious for the baby.  Every remotely unhealthy habit (or just a lack of a healthy habit) carries a guilty nudge that if you're not the healthiest being possible, what are you doing to your baby?  My first labor was guilt-ridden with the epidural and what effect that had.  Every second I didn't want to hold my baby, that I wanted to sleep or just wanted a minute to myself, brought a little voice telling me there was an ounce of selfishness in that desire.  The joy I felt to return to work was overridden by the guilt of leaving my baby at home and, even worse, of *gasp* being happy about it.  As a mom, it seems you feel guilty every second you're away from your babies, but guilty when you're with them that you're not really spending quality time, or you're not feeding them the absolute best diet, or that they're not learning all the things they should.  Every setback for your child (potty training is a great one for me) is met with the overwhelming guilt that it's all your fault because you did or didn't do something or said or didn't say something.

But let's face it, none of us really know what we're doing.  Everyone has a different theory, different method, different ideas for raising children.  We just do the best we can and hope we don't totally scar them for life.  ;)

Oh, and let's not forget all the other guilt.  It's not just about the kiddos.  There's a new guilt about yourself.  Now anything remotely unhealthy is still a problem, because if something were to happen to you, where does that leave your kids?  If you want to enjoy something faux pas like *gasp* tanning, what kind of example are you setting?  There's the guilt of not spending enough time with your husband, not being attentive enough to your marriage, not being as attractive or fun as you once were.  The guilt of leaving him with the kids so you can enjoy some *gasp* time alone.  The guilt of taking time away from work to be with your family, to tend to sick littles, to enjoy some *gasp* downtime.  The guilt of not spending enough time with friends or other family, of missing engagements because you simply don't have the energy to deal with the little ones, of forgetting special occasions because your brain simply can't hold another thing.

So today, as my babies sit at daycare while I'm here at work, not working, daunted by the concept of how short life truly is, I feel my oh-so-familiar friend Miss Mom Guilt.

To all my mom friends, you are absolutely amazing.  You are the best mother your children could have which automatically makes you the best wife you can be, your true friends will love you no matter how many times you blow them off, and you deserve time to yourself -- guilt-free!

To the dads, the same applies -- it just appears the "dad guilt" isn't quite so powerful (at least from my understanding).  So you go ahead and keep on living guilt free (or let's just say, with a lighter load), because us moms seems automatically equipped to take it.  ;)

Being a parent is a ton of work.  But all parents say it's the best thing ever.  But we can rarely put it into words.  It's so many things, but one perk I realized this morning (it was one of those great parent moments)... It feels pretty darn amazing to be the world to a beautiful miniature person.  When I left Addie at school today I realized that no matter how wonderful her teachers are, no matter the awesome stuff they do, no matter how many friends she makes, she would rather spend her day with me.  And that makes me feel pretty darn special.  ;)  (and yes, I realize this will shortly change and she will do anything to get away from me, but hey, I'm going to enjoy my moment!)

Oh, it's already been brought-en.

P90X boys and girls.  It's X time!  Yes, this is how Mr. Tony I-Don't-Know-His-Last-Name talks.  But I actually don't mind him too much.  So Loren and I started our P90X venture last week.  If you haven't seen the awesome (sarcastic) infomercials (are any awesome? ok, maybe the shake weight), it's a semi-new workout craze based on muscle confusion.  Really, it's the fact that you're working out 1+ hours per day!  Anyone is going to see results with that.  Anywho, it's workout videos (12) - you rotate each day (varies by week), for 90 days.  And it, of course, goes along with special equipment, a special nutrition book, a special recovery drink...  We cheated and snagged the DVDs from a friend and are winging the rest.  ;)  But I wanted to give an update on how it's going.  We initially planned on doing it in the mornings before work (my usual preferred workout time), but when I realized I'd have to get up at 5am I changed my tune.  So we're doing it in the evenings, usually about an hour after dinner.  Here's our first 3-week schedule:

1. Chest and Back/Ab Ripper X - Monday.  We don't have a pull-up bar, so we modified with a resistance band.  Not near the intensity, but we were feeling things out.  Got in the rhythm pretty quickly (although I suck at push-ups!).  I was surprised at how many breaks there were, just because of the hype ("whoa, p90x? are you crazy? those dudes are ripped!"), and at how easily it could be modified to your fitness level.  It was a bit of a comfort.  Then came Ab Ripper.  Whew!  It's 16min of straight abs -- 349 total ab reps.  Ouch!  I decided that my goal by the end of the program is to complete the entire video.  Although it's intense, I love nice abs, so I'm excited.
2. Plyometrics - Tuesday.  Okay, when we talk "X", apparently this is it.  Or so the video says.  He talks it up so much, I was a bit intimidated.  It's basically cardio with a lot of squatting and jumping.  And I totally rocked it!  :)  Granted, I didn't do everything at the highest intensity and have to modify one exercise (1min of hot foot on each side - bleh! - I did jumprope instead), but I made it through the whole thing on day one!  Loren, not quite there yet.  It seems there's a theory that this is easier for women.  ??  (def easier for a non-smoker) Either way, I was rather proud of myself.  And not so scared of P90X anymore.
3. Shoulders and Arms/Ab Ripper X - Wednesday.  This uses either free weights or a resistance band.  We have the easiest band and 2lb and 5lb weights.  We kill it!  :)  I definitely think we need some heavier weights for this, but are still at least doing something (and making sure to do max reps).  And the dreaded Ab Ripper again.  No, definitely not easier the 2nd time.
4. Yoga - Thursday.  Oh bore!  This one is 1.5 hours (yea, I can spare an hour, but that's all you're getting) and so repetitive!  I really think yoga is just not my thing.  Just like running.  I've really tried to like both, because people that like them are so darn convincing that they're just fabulous.  Not so much.  It has 30min of downward dog (gag) to runner's pose to warrior (multiple variations) and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat...  Ugh.  Give me plyo with 30seconds of high intensity and let's move on!  We did the first hour (admittedly a bit half-assed).  This week I think we'll try the last hour of the video and see if we like it better.
5. We were rebels and skipped Friday.  It was the day Loren found out he got the job (more on that later) and we were in celebration mode.
6. Legs and Back/Ab Ripper X - Saturday.  Not horrible.  Does a lot with your own body weight, so the equipment issue wasn't there.  Still dead on Ab Ribber.  :)
7. Kenpo - Sunday (should have been either a day of rest, or Stretch X, but since we skipped Friday we swapped).  I liked this one.  :)  Basically kickboxing.  And I have a newfound appreciation for boxers.  Those combos are hard!  And I have a choreography background (well a little).  Every time we did more than 3 moves I got lost.  Maybe I'll get it down by the end.  :)

Looking back it doesn't seem that bad, but man were we sore!  I think Thursday was the day I had a bit of a hobble-walk (but we hurt every day).  And on to this week...

1. Chest and Back/Ab Ripper X - Monday.  Back at it.  But we don't seem to be getting as sore this week.  Granted, we're not really stepping up the intensity yet (we need some more equipment and are just trying to get settled right now - I figure anything is good).  And yes, I'm still doing "girl" push-ups.
2. We skipped Tuesday.  It was Valentine's Day, I got Loren beer he wanted to drink, I ate a delicious sundae...  It just wasn't a workout day.  :)
3. Plyometrics - Wednesday.  Killed it again!  Prob my favorite video.  And yes, it seems that most other people hate this one (Loren included). :P
4. Shoulders and Arms/Ab Ripper X - Thursday.  Again, not too bad.  And not nearly as sore today.  Even stepped up my game a bit in Ab Ripper (and we're noticing that we're not sore in between).  :)

So today will be the dreaded yoga - we'll see if the last hour is any better.  And then we'll continue with the same schedule to finish out the week, and again next week.  After that is a rest week, so it will be a bit different combination.  But overall thoughts -- totally love the muscle confusion, love the variety, Tony really isn't that annoying (he's actually kinda funny) and gives good instruction (but once we have it down I'm thinking we're blasting some Gaga instead), and it's not as insane as everyone makes it out to be and is easily modifiable to your level.  I thought I'd hate working out at home, but although it's a bit of a challenge with the kids (trying doing sit-ups with them chasing each other in a circle around you, doing tricep kickbacks without hitting one of them, or doing push-ups with one on your back) it's nice to spend the time with Loren.  It's a dedicated hour to spend together every night, that's not just zoning out on the boob tube.  In summary, I highly recommend it (now we'll see what kind of results we get).  :)