I'd Rather Be Blogging

I should really be doing housework right now but instead I'm eating ice cream and blogging. I'm on the laptop though because Loren is hogging the regular computer, so no pics. I'll have to add that stuff later.

So Loren found out Friday that he didn't get the job he applied for. I felt mixed emotions about it. On one hand I was very disappointed for him because I truly feel like he deserved it and he's worked really hard in the position he's in to "strategically place" himself for such an opportunity. I'm not sure their logic, but I really think he got screwed in the deal. And it's especially hard because he still works there, so it's difficult to not have hard feelings and resentment towards those we know made the decision. I'll also admit that I fantasized a bit about the extra money, and had already spent a large chunk of it in my head. So in those respects I was disappointed. But the thought of someone else watching Addie was already freaking me out a bit, so I'm glad he'll get to spend more quality time with her. He's bummed now, but everything happens for a reason and the time he'll have with her is precious and so much more valuable than status or money. So what started out as a good day Friday when Addie and I went and picked Loren up for lunch in the park, turned into him finding out this news upon his return, and me finding out when he got home.

That evening I had plans to go out with friends -- my first time out in a long time so I was excited and wanted to get all prettied up for the adventure. But the evening was a little bit of a dud. It was nice to see friends, but we just talked all night and the more I sat there the more I realized that I just don't have much in common with them anymore. I seem to outgrow friends regularly. I don't have that "best" friend that I've had my whole life who knows all of my deepest darkest secrets. I seem to recycle girlfriends regularly. It's not like it ends abruptly with a big fight or blowoff -- it just seems to slowly trickle away and turn into keeping in touch, but rarely actually doing anything together. I'm not sure if that's just me, or if that's how most relationships go. I do think people change, our interests and priorities change, and relationships are going to change with that. But with the really good friendships it does feel a bit like a breakup to me. There always seem to be a little bit of hard feelings about something that often don't get resolved until one of us just doesn't care or it's been long enough that we've forgotten. I don't like to see these friendships fade away, but I just don't have the time or energy to keep them up anymore. I can't play phonetag or text-tag (even worse) or email-tag for weeks just to arrange an hour get-together that still seems to be missing a key person. Or worry about their life changing events that I learn about in passing on MySpace or Facebook that apparently don't warrant a phone call or real conversation. I'm not exactly sure how to tell when it's "over" -- when does it warrant addressing the issue and when is it just the reality that the common bond is lost and that's okay? I've always had a hard time with friendships and often find myself setting too high of standards and expectations, only to be disappointed -- both in myself and in the other person. I think I'm at the point in my life that I realize the ones that really matter will make the effort and those friendships will last, and those that fall away were fun while they lasted.

So I'm just in a bit of a funk lately, and usually when this kind of stuff happens I tend to be a recluse for a bit. So if you don't see me much or I avoid get-togethers, I'm just sulking at home. :) No, I'm not looking for sympathy -- it's just the way I process things and sometimes I just need a break. It seems like we've been nonstop all summer and I think I just need some evenings and weekends home. Although I say that until I spend a Saturday home and then I'm dying to get out of the house by Sunday! :)