So I've been charged in one of my doctoral classes to write a currere. A cur-what? Well according to Wikipedia (yes, I know as an educator I always say "Don't use Wikipedia as a source!", but in all reality it is good for quick information and can be a great starting point -- I'm only referencing it here instead of the primary source out of sheer laziness in the fact that this is a blog posting and not a scholarly piece of work): "Pinar suggests that the term currere, the infinitive form of curriculum, implies the framework for the autobiographical reflection on educational experiences that ultimately shape individual's self-understanding in our democratic society. In relation to curriculum Pinar states, 'The method of currere reconceptualized curriculum from course objectives to complicated conversation with oneself (as a 'private' intellectual), an ongoing project of self-understanding in which one becomes mobilized for engaged pedagogical action—as a private-and-public intellectual – with others in the social reconstruction of the public sphere'." I decided to start my venture by just picking some key "moments" and free writing about them. So far it consists of 4 sections (soon to be 5). Here is the first:
Planting Expectations
Ask someone I went to school with and they’ll probably remember me as being “smart”. I put “smart” in quotations, because I’m not sure it’s a term used properly sometimes. I was good at school. I fit the classroom environment well. I respond to authority, I focus, I stay on task, I do what is asked of me. I like to please. I dislike conflict, shame, punishment, embarrassment, reprimand. I’m not sure that anyone would admittedly like those things, but I dislike them enough to avoid them if possible. Particularly as a child. Even now, when my daughter’s teacher is reprimanding her fellow classmates, I become immediately uncomfortable and just want the situation to remedy itself. I was a teacher favorite. I remember watching “School of Rock” and identifying with the “know-it-all” girl in the class who challenges the fact that Jack Black isn’t actually teaching. I wasn’t that bold, actually the exact opposite (incredibly shy) so I wasn’t the stereotypical obnoxious teacher’s pet who knew every answer and clamored at the chance to say it aloud. No, I usually knew the answer, but avoided eye contact at all costs in hopes of avoiding being called on. I wasn’t ashamed of being smart, but I also wasn’t comfortable enough to gloat about it. I often felt bad that I did better on tasks than other students who I knew were putting in more effort. At the same time, I helped many classmates – using the term “help” loosely in that I explained things when requested, but also just helped others cheat if indeed the answer was really all they wanted. I don’t feel like it was a peer pressure situation that enticed me to help others cheat, I think I just like giving people what they want. It was a regular occurrence in every class that I was the one to go for help. I enjoyed that role, even as a shy kid.
In addition to being a well-behaved student simply to evade the discomfort of reprimand, doing well in school was a well-known expectation in my family. Although neither of my parents attended college (well, my mom went for a semester), both were valedictorians and the importance of education was never a question. I remember other kids getting money or gifts for “A’s” on their report card – we (my brother and I) usually just got a “Good job”. More than the reward for the A, my incentive was not finding out the disappointment that came with anything less. The rewards were not nearly as straightforward, and even now, it is rare that I receive direct praise from my father. I know he gloats about me to everyone he knows, but that same recognition is rarely offered directly to me. It feels as though I continue to meet his expectations, but I’m not sure I’ve exceeded them. It wasn’t that my parents beat us or punished us severely in any way, but I just could never handle the disappointment in their faces and voices. Both of my parents were quite nurturing and I have close relationships with them today. I honestly can’t even remember how we were disciplined. I was a rather good kid, so I’m not sure I saw it that much. When I did rebel a bit in high school, I was usually quite smart about hiding it. That, or my parents knew and never acknowledged it! I also think that, being raised on a farm with extended family, my fear of disappointment extended well beyond my parents. We lived (in close proximity) with three uncles/aunts, my grandparents, and eight cousins. If we acted out, it wasn’t simply an individual punishment. We were representing our family and family name, and any indiscretions were well known by the entire family. Even when it came time for college (or even years earlier), there wasn’t any doubt in what I would be doing upon graduating high school. I knew that I was attending Boise State (my family has always actually been Boise State fans, but that was not my primary reason in choosing it – it was location). There wasn’t a thought in my mind that I would do anything else. Again, I can’t remember it being told to me that I HAD to go to college, it was just the only choice presented. I’m sure there are a number of other influences. My brother went to college, and I think with any siblings there is at least a bit of competition. He was also an excellent student and very well-liked by his teachers. Not only did this encourage me to live up to his standards, but in a way I think it paved an easier path for me as I was his sister, coming into classrooms he had just left two years previously leaving a remnant of positive association with the “Gatfield” name. I also grew up on a farm, watched and listened to my dad unhappy in his job, watched my mom work so we had a bit more money to live a bit more comfortably, and I didn’t want the same for myself. I knew I didn’t want to live on the farm, and I didn’t want to be limited in my opportunities because I didn’t have a college education. I also enjoyed school and was good at it, more successful in academics than anything else I tried in life. College would be a way to get away from the farm and gain some independence while still being in a setting that was comfortable. I adapted to college education quickly, finding the rigor enough to “keep me on my toes”, but not enough to destruct my educational confidence.
Of course I didn’t love every aspect of school. I was incredibly shy and had a hard time making friends. I always felt the pressures of social integration and had rather low self-esteem in that setting. I was terrible at sports, a common form of embracing a higher social status particularly in junior high and high school. It was easier for me to escape that by indulging myself into the academics I did excel at. I also didn’t love every subject – I found social studies boring and completely dreaded speech as public speaking was about the most terrifying task to be imposed on me. I still, however, managed to be successful in these courses because the desire to achieve always exceeded my distaste for the subject or assignment.
Now, mind you, it remains to be seen (or heard) if I'm actually doing any of this correctly (I sent my draft to my teacher for feedback just tonight). But it's actually kind of a fun process nonetheless, just to spend some time reflecting. More to come...
