Ramblings

**Finally posted 3/7 -- kept it as a draft all this time**

You know I originally set up this blog just to boast about my baby (at that time there was only one) and show off all the wonderful pictures. I also like it as just a record for myself, to remember what the heck I've been doing during these years that just seem to be flying by now. And of course I've had to throw in some rants here and there. But I really haven't used it for an emotional release like I used to use journaling for. That may be because I simply don't journal anymore, I haven't felt like sharing anything publicly, or I haven't felt the need to. One of the reasons I've never consistently journaled is that when I did it as a kid, I'd go back and read what I had written (maybe just months later), think I sounded like an idiot, and destroy the evidence. I'm pretty sure I've destroyed any journal I've ever written. Probably very sad to some of you who really enjoy journaling. I actually got a book about the benefits of journaling for Christmas and did require my students to do a reflective learning journal this semester. Maybe there is something to this. :) I definitely do find it therapeutic to write things out sometimes, which is how I came here today. Will this actually make it to publication on my page, I'm not sure. We'll see where it leads... I can remember the week before Christmas thinking to myself, "I'm right where I need to be." Everything was just perfect for me. I couldn't believe my wonderful life, especially when so many are struggling through numerous problems. The next week I remember thinking about how I could get used to this stay at home mom thing because I felt so much less stressed out (not to say that staying home isn't stressful, but at the time it was a different stress that working and going to school). I took a class once about depression and remember a lecture about stress and depression. The teacher drew a bell curve and showed that depression often occurs at the bottom and at the top. Too much stress can lead to exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed -- made total sense to me because that's usually much closer to where I rest. But the bottom of the curve intrigued me -- too little stress can lead to feelings of worthlessness and seclusion. It had never even occurred to me because I couldn't even fathom being that low on the curve. I'm not sure this is even applicable to where I'm going, but it popped in my head. Fast-forward another week home with the kids and I'm losing my mind. A week of countless poopy diapers, constant cleaning with no progress, PBS, a bored infant, freezing cold weather, little adult interaction, hearing "Mama, hold me?" and "Mama, read book"? a thousand times a day, scouring the cupboards trying to find something the toddler would eat while listening to "Num-num?" repeatedly, reading the same 5 books over and over, getting no work done, repeated failed attempts at putting kids down for a nap, constantly looking for specific toys while being consumed by all the rest, walking around the songs from Tinkle Tinkle Little Tot stuck in my head, constant nursing, stuffy babies that couldn't sleep, a teething infant, an incessantly whining toddler, and looking forward to the same thing the next day and the day after... And feeling like a terrible person and terrible mom for wanting to escape. I went from feeling 100% to wondering what the heck was I thinking. I yearned for my previous life where I could sleep peacefully, I could spend as much time as I wanted getting ready, I didn't have to choose my clothes based on how easily I could nurse a baby, I fit into all of my clothes, I could come and go without spending an hour dressing and packing kids and all their stuff, I could have peace and quiet whenever I chose, I didn't have toys and books strewn all over my house, I didn't have to schedule outings around feeding the baby or rush home before another precious bag of milk was "wasted", when I didn't doubt myself constantly... But alas, it is a new week, my last full week home with my babies, and I'm determined to make it better (this is as I'm typing with a tantrumming toddler). I really love my kids and absolutely don't regret having them, but I do find myself constantly amazed at just how overwhelming this mom business is and the constant self-doubt. I enjoy my work and am good at it because it's what I know. I'm comfortable there. The challenges it does bring I find exciting and approachable. The challenges of motherhood (which are far too many) send me into a panic and endless cycle of uncertainty. I must also note that I had a week of baby giggles, random toddler conversations, snuggles, watching the baby explore new things, being amazed at what Addie has learned, sibling chatter and giggles, and a spicy toddler attitude.