Miss Mom Guilt

Oh the mom guilt.  Anyone who is a mother knows exactly what I'm talking about.  And, I'm sorry, but those of you who are not mothers, just don't know.  This is one I'll have to exclude you from.  I'm not even quite sure I can include dads in this.  I've been wanting to write a blog on this for awhile, but that darn guilt keeps preventing me from taking the time to do it -- but man it is THICK this week!  I've seriously never felt as guilty as I do now that I'm a mom.  And it's constant!  I actually wasn't sure what it was at first.  For a couple years.  I just always had this guilty feeling, but assumed it was no different than anyone else's.  Then one day my mom nailed it -- she mentioned "mom guilt".  After having kids -- wait, not even after -- as soon as we started even trying, the guilt begins.

You feel guilty you're not doing everything exactly right for the baby.  Every deliciously sugar-y or fatty food brings a pang of guilt that it's not nutritious for the baby.  Every remotely unhealthy habit (or just a lack of a healthy habit) carries a guilty nudge that if you're not the healthiest being possible, what are you doing to your baby?  My first labor was guilt-ridden with the epidural and what effect that had.  Every second I didn't want to hold my baby, that I wanted to sleep or just wanted a minute to myself, brought a little voice telling me there was an ounce of selfishness in that desire.  The joy I felt to return to work was overridden by the guilt of leaving my baby at home and, even worse, of *gasp* being happy about it.  As a mom, it seems you feel guilty every second you're away from your babies, but guilty when you're with them that you're not really spending quality time, or you're not feeding them the absolute best diet, or that they're not learning all the things they should.  Every setback for your child (potty training is a great one for me) is met with the overwhelming guilt that it's all your fault because you did or didn't do something or said or didn't say something.

But let's face it, none of us really know what we're doing.  Everyone has a different theory, different method, different ideas for raising children.  We just do the best we can and hope we don't totally scar them for life.  ;)

Oh, and let's not forget all the other guilt.  It's not just about the kiddos.  There's a new guilt about yourself.  Now anything remotely unhealthy is still a problem, because if something were to happen to you, where does that leave your kids?  If you want to enjoy something faux pas like *gasp* tanning, what kind of example are you setting?  There's the guilt of not spending enough time with your husband, not being attentive enough to your marriage, not being as attractive or fun as you once were.  The guilt of leaving him with the kids so you can enjoy some *gasp* time alone.  The guilt of taking time away from work to be with your family, to tend to sick littles, to enjoy some *gasp* downtime.  The guilt of not spending enough time with friends or other family, of missing engagements because you simply don't have the energy to deal with the little ones, of forgetting special occasions because your brain simply can't hold another thing.

So today, as my babies sit at daycare while I'm here at work, not working, daunted by the concept of how short life truly is, I feel my oh-so-familiar friend Miss Mom Guilt.

To all my mom friends, you are absolutely amazing.  You are the best mother your children could have which automatically makes you the best wife you can be, your true friends will love you no matter how many times you blow them off, and you deserve time to yourself -- guilt-free!

To the dads, the same applies -- it just appears the "dad guilt" isn't quite so powerful (at least from my understanding).  So you go ahead and keep on living guilt free (or let's just say, with a lighter load), because us moms seems automatically equipped to take it.  ;)

Being a parent is a ton of work.  But all parents say it's the best thing ever.  But we can rarely put it into words.  It's so many things, but one perk I realized this morning (it was one of those great parent moments)... It feels pretty darn amazing to be the world to a beautiful miniature person.  When I left Addie at school today I realized that no matter how wonderful her teachers are, no matter the awesome stuff they do, no matter how many friends she makes, she would rather spend her day with me.  And that makes me feel pretty darn special.  ;)  (and yes, I realize this will shortly change and she will do anything to get away from me, but hey, I'm going to enjoy my moment!)

Oh, it's already been brought-en.

P90X boys and girls.  It's X time!  Yes, this is how Mr. Tony I-Don't-Know-His-Last-Name talks.  But I actually don't mind him too much.  So Loren and I started our P90X venture last week.  If you haven't seen the awesome (sarcastic) infomercials (are any awesome? ok, maybe the shake weight), it's a semi-new workout craze based on muscle confusion.  Really, it's the fact that you're working out 1+ hours per day!  Anyone is going to see results with that.  Anywho, it's workout videos (12) - you rotate each day (varies by week), for 90 days.  And it, of course, goes along with special equipment, a special nutrition book, a special recovery drink...  We cheated and snagged the DVDs from a friend and are winging the rest.  ;)  But I wanted to give an update on how it's going.  We initially planned on doing it in the mornings before work (my usual preferred workout time), but when I realized I'd have to get up at 5am I changed my tune.  So we're doing it in the evenings, usually about an hour after dinner.  Here's our first 3-week schedule:

1. Chest and Back/Ab Ripper X - Monday.  We don't have a pull-up bar, so we modified with a resistance band.  Not near the intensity, but we were feeling things out.  Got in the rhythm pretty quickly (although I suck at push-ups!).  I was surprised at how many breaks there were, just because of the hype ("whoa, p90x? are you crazy? those dudes are ripped!"), and at how easily it could be modified to your fitness level.  It was a bit of a comfort.  Then came Ab Ripper.  Whew!  It's 16min of straight abs -- 349 total ab reps.  Ouch!  I decided that my goal by the end of the program is to complete the entire video.  Although it's intense, I love nice abs, so I'm excited.
2. Plyometrics - Tuesday.  Okay, when we talk "X", apparently this is it.  Or so the video says.  He talks it up so much, I was a bit intimidated.  It's basically cardio with a lot of squatting and jumping.  And I totally rocked it!  :)  Granted, I didn't do everything at the highest intensity and have to modify one exercise (1min of hot foot on each side - bleh! - I did jumprope instead), but I made it through the whole thing on day one!  Loren, not quite there yet.  It seems there's a theory that this is easier for women.  ??  (def easier for a non-smoker) Either way, I was rather proud of myself.  And not so scared of P90X anymore.
3. Shoulders and Arms/Ab Ripper X - Wednesday.  This uses either free weights or a resistance band.  We have the easiest band and 2lb and 5lb weights.  We kill it!  :)  I definitely think we need some heavier weights for this, but are still at least doing something (and making sure to do max reps).  And the dreaded Ab Ripper again.  No, definitely not easier the 2nd time.
4. Yoga - Thursday.  Oh bore!  This one is 1.5 hours (yea, I can spare an hour, but that's all you're getting) and so repetitive!  I really think yoga is just not my thing.  Just like running.  I've really tried to like both, because people that like them are so darn convincing that they're just fabulous.  Not so much.  It has 30min of downward dog (gag) to runner's pose to warrior (multiple variations) and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat...  Ugh.  Give me plyo with 30seconds of high intensity and let's move on!  We did the first hour (admittedly a bit half-assed).  This week I think we'll try the last hour of the video and see if we like it better.
5. We were rebels and skipped Friday.  It was the day Loren found out he got the job (more on that later) and we were in celebration mode.
6. Legs and Back/Ab Ripper X - Saturday.  Not horrible.  Does a lot with your own body weight, so the equipment issue wasn't there.  Still dead on Ab Ribber.  :)
7. Kenpo - Sunday (should have been either a day of rest, or Stretch X, but since we skipped Friday we swapped).  I liked this one.  :)  Basically kickboxing.  And I have a newfound appreciation for boxers.  Those combos are hard!  And I have a choreography background (well a little).  Every time we did more than 3 moves I got lost.  Maybe I'll get it down by the end.  :)

Looking back it doesn't seem that bad, but man were we sore!  I think Thursday was the day I had a bit of a hobble-walk (but we hurt every day).  And on to this week...

1. Chest and Back/Ab Ripper X - Monday.  Back at it.  But we don't seem to be getting as sore this week.  Granted, we're not really stepping up the intensity yet (we need some more equipment and are just trying to get settled right now - I figure anything is good).  And yes, I'm still doing "girl" push-ups.
2. We skipped Tuesday.  It was Valentine's Day, I got Loren beer he wanted to drink, I ate a delicious sundae...  It just wasn't a workout day.  :)
3. Plyometrics - Wednesday.  Killed it again!  Prob my favorite video.  And yes, it seems that most other people hate this one (Loren included). :P
4. Shoulders and Arms/Ab Ripper X - Thursday.  Again, not too bad.  And not nearly as sore today.  Even stepped up my game a bit in Ab Ripper (and we're noticing that we're not sore in between).  :)

So today will be the dreaded yoga - we'll see if the last hour is any better.  And then we'll continue with the same schedule to finish out the week, and again next week.  After that is a rest week, so it will be a bit different combination.  But overall thoughts -- totally love the muscle confusion, love the variety, Tony really isn't that annoying (he's actually kinda funny) and gives good instruction (but once we have it down I'm thinking we're blasting some Gaga instead), and it's not as insane as everyone makes it out to be and is easily modifiable to your level.  I thought I'd hate working out at home, but although it's a bit of a challenge with the kids (trying doing sit-ups with them chasing each other in a circle around you, doing tricep kickbacks without hitting one of them, or doing push-ups with one on your back) it's nice to spend the time with Loren.  It's a dedicated hour to spend together every night, that's not just zoning out on the boob tube.  In summary, I highly recommend it (now we'll see what kind of results we get).  :)

New Year - Why Not?

I think we all get sucked into the idea of new year's resolutions.  I know, I should be able to do it any time of the year -- why wait until New Year's?  But I think it just gives us an excuse to pick a day to make some changes.  So every year I think I won't make any, but every year I come up a few.  And like just about everyone else, I have some that are focused on exercise, eating, and healthy living.  I did great this fall with exercise when riding my bike to and from work a couple days a week, but once the cold hit and it was pitch black when I left the house, I decided to give it up.  And out went all other exercise.  November got crazy busy and when the cold hit in December I went into hibernation mode.  All I wanted to do was eat and sleep.  And it was great.  :)  But the lazy guilt kept weighing on me, so I recruited my girls Leisa and Amy to start a new "super us" routine.  It lasted about 3 days and I fizzled out again.  :P  And yet again, I'm back with a new goal.

This last week I did a Shakeology cleanse - recommended by Amy.  It's 3 days of 3 shakes + 1 fruit snack + 4oz lean protein + plate of veggies + 80oz water (each day - about 900 calories).  It's recommended for losing a few extra pounds (not my motivation), to "kickstart" healthy habits, and to renew/energize.  My experience?  Day 1 wasn't too bad, but I was definitely hungry by dinner.  A salad had never tasted so good!  Day 2 I definitely got hungry earlier, and nearly passed out a few times.  Day 3 I was feeling more run down than ever.  So, renewed/energized?  No.  Drained/exhausted?  Yes.  My overall reaction - I'd rather feel shitty from eating deliciously bad-for-me food than for starving myself and eating good-for-me food.  But it was something I had never done, and I always appreciate new experiences.  Now I can say I've done a cleanse, and that they're just not my thing.  If you're trying to trim up a bit though, I can see the benefit.  I lost 3 pounds (a rough estimate based on near-cleanse-time weigh-ins at my mom's, since we don't have a scale) and some inches.  I actually did before pics with measurements.  These were both for pre-cleanse, and for my current venture - P90X (a big thank you to a great friend for lending us the discs!).

Can I just say, I'm totally loving the slogan.  You better b-ring it!  ;)

Now I'm not doing this to lose weight.  I'm back to pre-pregnancy weight and very happy with it.  I really am just looking for some exercise and would like to tone up a bit more.  I do have a gym membership, but I've had that same membership for the last year, and we can see how much that was used.  :)  So I'm challenging myself to this current exercise fad, just for s&g. ;)  And guess who is joining me - Loren!  So we had our first workout tonight.  Now, we definitely did a modified version, but I think we did pretty good for Day 1 (chest/back/abs).

My other goal this year is to start putting more things out there.  If I can find the time, I'm going to start a new series in my blog titled Confessions of a Working/Student Mother.  Now don't go getting too excited -- these aren't drama-filled juicy soap opera types of stories.  Just those things we tend to not share openly with others, even though I think we're all quite familiar with them.  Stay tuned for more to come.

Anywho, in the spirit of sharing, here are current measurements and my official "before" pics.  The P90X recommendations are that you take pics at the 30-, 60-, and 90-day marks (yes, they actually instruct you on not only the timeframes, but the poses -- FYI, I did not do the prescribed poses - rebel!).  I haven't talked Loren into the pic part, but I'm just happy he's working out with me. :)

Now, I have to put a caveat on these measurements.  First confession of a mom - I can't find anything in my house.  So we couldn't find a tape measure anywhere.  Nor could we find the yardstick.  So we went with a piece of yarn and my knitting ruler (a whopping 6 inches).  So these are not the most accurate measurements (we did find the yardstick by the second set, so those may be a bit more accurate).

• Thigh - 19.25 (pre-cleanse), 19 (post-cleanse)
• Arm - 8.75, 9.5 (I know, this makes no sense)
• Butt - 36 (36-24-36? Only if she 5'3"!), 35
• Waist - 24.5, 24
• Bust - 29.75, 28 (yep, this would be another downside of the cleanse - I don't think it was quite this dramatic of a difference, but still not a plus)

I got to have a beautiful model with me when taking my pics.  :)  I was also messing around with the photo editing software on my tablet.  And yes, I know you're supposed to do an ugly sports bra with some non-matching tight short shorts.  But my swimsuit is so much cuter!  ;)  Got it last year at Old Navy.  Great place to get separates for those of us who need an extra small top, but an extra small bottom ain't gonna cut it!

So in a month I'll post new measurements and pics.  We'll see what is to come!  :)