Currere - Part Deux

A short section, but very important in my reflection... (and a little harder to share)

Cultivating Compassion

As a person who avoids conflict and aims for her comfort zone, I tend to stick to and do the things I’m good at.  I’ve stuck with education because I’m good at school, I went into coding because I picked it up right away in the classroom (that, and it was the job offered!), and I’m still in education because I’m good at it.  All of these things have contributed to my confidence – but that was shattered when I became a mother.  My world turned upside down.  I didn’t change a thing when I was pregnant – I still went 100%, I worked, I exercised, I refused to let it interrupt my semester (I managed to finish my semester with ONE day to spare).  And then I had my daughter.  I had absolutely no idea what to do with this new thing, this person, this tiny helpless being that depended entirely on me.  I was lost.  I wasn’t in school, I wasn’t teaching for the summer.  I was home.  With a baby.  And no clue.  I had read plenty of books prior to delivering and continued to reference them and the internet after her arrival.  But none of it helped.  I would follow everything the books said but it wouldn’t work (some was helpful and I do realize now that I wasn’t necessarily reading the right things, but it was very discouraging at the time).  Don’t let your baby sleep with you.  But she looks so tiny and lonely in that big crib.  Breastfeeding is natural.  Then why am I still struggling after weeks?  You’ll instantly feel the most overwhelming love when you see your baby for the first time.  I don’t.  I resent her.  I’m a horrible mother.  I continuously questioned my decision and my aptitude as a parent.  In fact, I continue to question my ability as a parent every day.  I have never been so self-doubting about anything in my life.  Parenting just brings about so many unknowns and is so contradicted in our society.  What made me think I am capable of being responsible for raising another human?  This self-doubt and discomfort eventually led to acceptance (although I have to remind myself constantly) and has helped me grow immensely.   I am more in touch with myself, with my emotions, and with others.  I feel a deeper bond with my students, connecting with them on a different level than I allowed myself to before.  Understanding how it feels to be so overwhelmed it consumes your very being.  And how it feels to ask for help.  Experiencing the grey area that isn’t addressed in textbooks and rarely discussed in the classroom.  Realizing that sometimes you just have to do what feels right, to you, in that moment, regardless of what society, experts, textbooks, or your parents, family, neighbors, or friends say.

I did get some feedback from my professor.  I just need to add in sources (which I knew, just wasn't sure where to start!) and finish my "future" reflection (which I haven't even started).  Guess I better get on it -- it's due Thursday.  :)

“I know, up on top you are seeing great sights, but down here at the bottom we, too, should have rights.” ― Dr. Seuss, Yertle the Turtle and Gertrude McFuzz